“Can I sit in this bar from 8:00PM until 1:00AM on a weeknight without thinking that I’ve spent too much time at one bar?”
The bar by which I compare all other bars is a neighborhood watering hole in Bayview (Milwaukee) called Burnhearts. It has all of the bare necessities that I need to enjoy an entire night at one bar.
My criteria for the optimal bar experience is broken down as follows:
Staff -
One of the primary requirements of a bar is that the staff be consistent, attentive, and outgoing. At the very least the staffing must be adequate in that there is not a line of people trying to flag down the bartender. The staff knows the regular patrons’ drink order without having to ask. Also, if you’re a bar owner/manager, you best know who your regular patrons are by name/drink. It’s the least that can be expected for the people who are instrumental in keeping the bills paid. (On a side note, if the bar is too busy/popular on a weeknight to accommodate this, then there’s a good chance it’s not going to be one of my favorite bars.)
Drinks -
By definition, bars have drinks. So does my house. So if I’m going to have an ideal experience, the bar is going to be able to provide a plethora of unique satisfying beers (I primarily drink beer). If more than half of a bar’s tap selections are the same selections that can be obtained at Applebee’s (nothing against Applebee’s, they’re just not known for their craft/import beer selection), then you’re not going to be providing me with anything that I can’t get at 100 different bars in the area. Thus, you’re not likely going to be one of my favorite bars. I admit, this gives the inside-track to Brew Pubs, Breweries, or “themed” bars (read: Irish Bars, Soccer Pubs, etc). Two other notes:
1) A bar need only one great tap beer (Sierra Nevada Pale, Local Brewery Favorite, etc.) for me to conclude that it’s a decent bar (but it better not be Blue Moon or Leinie’s Honeyweiss or some other “played-out” brew).
2) Some bars are not meant to have a ton of unique beers. I acknowledge that bowling allies and supper clubs are not meant to have wide selections. I’m okay with that. I’ll drink a Whisky Old Fashioned with the best of em’.
Activities -
If I’m going to be at a bar from 9:00-1:00 on a weeknight, there’s a good chance I’m not going to be pounding drinks all night, so unless I’m going to admit to being an alcoholic, you’re likely going to need something for me to do; again the more unique, the better. I’m down with pool tables and dartboards, but if you’ve got a Shuffle Board you can do no wrong.
A good example is Wolski’s in Milwaukee. A bar I frequented for years, Wolski’s basically makes its name by providing patrons with “old school” dart boards (the ones with the metal tips). Not the safest activity for drunk people, but still a great time. I’ve also been drawn to bars with trivia night, vinyl record night, retro dance party night, etc.
This is where I discuss televisions. If a bar has a television it better be for one of three activities: (1) Relevant sporting events
(2) Music videos
(3) Classic movies that play in the background.
If I want to watch the Brewers, and the bar I want to go to has a TV, then I consider it a win-win. Aside from that, I find little utility for televisions in a bar after 10:00 PM. I used to be a regular at a Brit Rock bar called VOX where they played movies like The Big Lebowski or Fight Club with the sound off. I didn’t mind it. However, it sort of bugs me when bars have 20 televisions all tuned to Sportscenter playing on repeat at 1:00AM.
Gimmicky Price Breaks -
Most people think that gimmicks are undesired and kitschy. I beg to differ 100% of the time. If you use a gimmick to get me to come to your bar, and I like what is being offered, I will most definitely oblige. My favorite gimmicks:
- Wing night (cheap wings have me by the heart)
- $1.00 PBR all the time (PBR = Pabst Blue Ribbon…this is the last time I will define PBR in this blog)
- Throwback can night (Schlitz, Blatz, Hamm’s, Pabst, for super-cheap)
- Buy a pitcher, get a pizza
- Free pool
- A PBR, Shot of Jamison, and a Cigarette (I totally don’t smoke) for $5.00 (@ the Nomad)
- Free Bumper Sticker if they have to kick you out at bar time (@ Wolski’s)
Most places have happy-hour specials, but that’s expected. If a bar doesn’t have happy hour specials they’re shooting themselves in the foot and might as well close their doors. However, if a bar offers a “Double-bubble after midnight” special, they’re more likely to win me over.
Environment -
I’m not too picky, but when it comes to my ideal bar, I’m a big fan of the character that inhabits an older bar. Sweet beer signs, and classic bar decorations are good. I guess my only criteria is that the atmosphere fit the type of bar that they’re trying to be. I wouldn’t want to go to a supper club with 30 televisions and waitstaff dressed up as referees any more than I’d want to go to a sports bar with two televisions that only serves bottles and rails.
Good music is a plus, but I understand if a bar’s target demographic isn’t into The Avett Brothers as much as I am. However, if you play a fair amount of Nickelback, Daughtry, or that horrid “Sex on Fire” song, I’m likely to walk away and never come back. Suffice it to say “bar music is a slippery slope”. Safest bet for music is a jukebox full of classic rock or pre-1980s country music, because if you can’t drink to Bruce Springsteen and Willie Nelson, then you just haven’t had enough beer yet.
Since I recently moved back to the Fox Valley for the first time since I was of drinking age, I look forward to exploring the bars in my hometown. I’ve already sat on many local barstools, and have seen enough to know that there’s a lot to say about our local nightlife.
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